What am I feeling right now?  Well, since you asked…

I’m feeling extremely conflicted, something I’ve been feeling for almost a year now.  I am very blessed to have so many wonderful things in my life.  I’m in excellent physical health, I legitimately feel like an attractive man, my self-esteem has gotten amazing, I love my house (although I don’t love all the water issues I’ve been having), and I’m just generally feeling funny, social, and excited to see people.

Yet, I’m also extremely worried because I’m not in a good place in my life and career and that really bothers me.  It may get better, and it may not.  The stress is causing me to have some pretty bad mental roadblocks.  Self-esteem can sometimes connect with depression, but not always.

The two feelings are very much a constant right now.  I am taking life one day at a time, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst (both on a personal and global scale…)  I want to look back at this one day, laugh about it, and promise myself to never get into this mess again.  But who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Task 2 – Do Something That Feels Good

I am going to workout, take a long hot shower, then sip on super hot tension-relief tea.

And if I decide that I want to spend the rest of the evening in an old flannel shirt, so be it!

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I think I am unique.

Who the hell writes about self love? Don’t I have better things to do with my time?  Well, honestly, I’m just being unique.  Clearly, I am okay with being unique. Being unique doesn’t have to be a negative descriptor. I do prefer the term unique, although the terms people seem to prefer are “weird,” “bizarre,” or in some extreme cases, the “r” word. But what is this logic based on? Just because my eyes have a little less life? Just because I enjoy classic rock music from the 90’s? Or many because I like to play devil’s advocate with society’s norms?

I’m clearly not using my real name to blog, ugh, why on earth would I do something so totally weird? Well, maybe I want to stand out from the pack. Maybe I want to embrace the name I always associated with as an insult, and choose to take it proudly as my stage name. Maybe I like to protect my online privacy.  Or, God forbid, maybe, I just like it, and it helps me feel (gulp) unique.

I think I am creative.

I write books. I write songs. I write plays. I’ve written one novel and I’m currently writing a second one. I’ve written something like 50 songs, and I treasure all of them. I’ve written 4 plays that have been produced by actors, on stage, under lights, with an audience. I like to come up with ways to make the world a better, more enjoyable place.

I think I am intelligent.

I think it’s no secret I’m book smart. I’ve always been. Having said that, intelligence carries a bad rap.  For too long, I’ve had to bury my intelligence because “fitting in” paid the bills. But I am smart.  I’m proud to be smart.  I will never stop being smart, so I might as well embrace it.

I think I am sexy.

I am literally society’s definition of a perfect man.  So why I carried a 1/10 rating on the website Hot or Not was kind of an anomaly.  Honestly, those strangers I’ll never meet don’t matter.  All that matters is, I think I’m sexy, and if that bothers you, I literally don’t care in the slightest.  Eat my confidence.  Which leads to…

I think I am unapologetic in my confidence.

I am who I am and I am not changing for anyone.  I was dealt a tough hand, but that doesn’t mean I can’t win with it.  The best poker players in the world can take a pair of threes all the way to the bank.  Sure, it makes for a tougher game, but it happens. All that means is when I win, there’s more reward.

Task 1 – Get Outside and Connect

I got out of the house and treated myself to a good meal and made myself enjoy nature as much as I could, considering how chilly and breezy it was.  I managed to take this awesome picture of a cloud deck shortly before sunset.  No filter.  It was well worth the expense and the trip.

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